Requiem of a unknown feeling

Long ago writing was something that I cherished and made a point to maintain even when i will be in a B school. The resolution didn't even stood the first wave of trim papers. and suddenly the passion become time pass and was washed away by flooding of new priorities.

I read often that naxalism is the biggest internal threat that our country is facing. So while reading about it and salwa judam, i came to know about the atrocities governments have done to the tribals. across whole world, children are getting taller than their parents due to increased nutrition but tribal children are actually getting shorter. We take pride in our constitution whose pillar stands on the statement that the government is of the people, for the people, by the people. But do the original inhabitants of the nature since thousands of years not even are eligible to have a single right to be human. where is right to education, right to equality, right to speak. above all, where is right to live.

Last week, in the lecture of managing across cultures, we were supposed to present about our own personal culture. We used to tease Sanjog about being a tribal as he is from orissa. He showed what being a tribal means to a innocent child. and what it means to see a hungry tribal trying to eat stones. Believe me, it is the saddest feeling on earth..

That day, it felt as if something choked inside. The way we all walked out after class as if nothing great happened, it feels as if we lost the right to call ourselves humans or the definition of humanity suddenly changed in my perception.

I usually say to Sapna that i dont like Mumbai. and maybe the reason is that it feels as if i am not in India. The amount of prosperity and standard of living that is witnessed here is unparalleled across country. You can easily come here, get blinded by it and start living as if this is how our country is. A beggar near a road side shop is also seen having a vada pao after begging for an hour or two.

Only when i go outside i witness my country that i can call as actual India. Whether its festival time when i see a young man trying to hang on gate of a general coach and getting hurt just because he does not have money to pay for the reservation. or a NGO serving rice to village children which is surely their only meal of the day.

Maybe it is because we all lack time. Time to observe, time to feel and maybe time to spend. Otherwise why does it needs to be reminded when once sitting in coffee day in Jodhpur with friends, I looked at a silent young man and could tell definitely that he has not eaten anything in last couple of days. that too by just looking at the expression in his eyes. The lost of touch with ground reality has resulted in me being something that i can only call as insensitive.

I have seen many people and i never wanted to become like them. Like the rich businessman who will haggle over the wage of a daily labourer but will not hesitate to give lakhs of rupees to stand in front row of a temple. Like a man who makes a poor lady toil whole day at work just for a bowl of rice for her family.

seeking my dreams personified

Its late night.. i am as usual awake. but neither i am watching prison break, nor some movie. I usually make fun of ppl who r looking lost by saying that they r gone into introspection. What i am doing now may be exactly that. The usual things are occupying my mind too. The way life has taken turns, the manner in which things change. the ways i try to cope up. the miserable failures of trying to put things into perspective. The never ending efforts to again strike a balance. The repeated tries to control my natural behavior after realization that things work in a different way in the world now. but still making the same mistakes. and still not be able to accept them as mistakes. they are mistakes only when it puts you in the situation of helplessness.

 

How amazing is the way people see the same things from such drastically different perspectives. and in order to stop it being a losing proposition for you, you have to change your ground. The least you should ask is a level playing field. equal chances to call the shots. equal claim on the right to make decisions that affect you.

 

Nobody knows what lies in store for them in future. but the way you explore the possibilities, the tries to control it are something that makes it such an interesting journey. you may be fortunate enough to have someone who is there on the expedition. otherwise there is always a joy of discovery and a hope of finding someone for whom the aim of reaching the goal is surpassed by the plain delight of just walking together.

First 6 months..

I have uploaded some of my memorable moments at college here..

have a look.. enjoy.. :)

 

College Moments

exams exams go away..come again another day :)

My second trimester is about to end. I am going through a phase called exams where you tend to do do just three things.. sleep, chill out and study.. for me also its the same .. in decreasing order..

The college has played a role of true university and managed to put up a schedule of 14 days for 10 exams. I am half way through but the feeling of discord and detachment is creeping in. i was happy when the exams started. it has my favorite subjects like macroeconomics, stats etc. but now since last two days, i had marketing and strategic management. There was nothing where we have to put our brains to work. We studied nothing yet managed to fill a healthy amount of extra sheets. ;-)

Today i was delivering huge amount of gas on strategic planning and suddenly i stopped. i lost all steam and started thinking about the reason why i am forcing myself to do this. Am i not capable to make a better utilization of my time and not force myself to write this crap which i am skeptical anyone will ever read properly. Isn't there a way out? Do i always have to work under a system? I got the exact feeling what everybody who suddenly chucks college and starts on their own gets. If this is what these people think will make be a better businessman than there is seriously something wrong. If this is what it takes to get a good CGPA and ensure better placements than i don't want it.

But if this is what i don't want then why did i continued writing mindless crap till the last minute and showed my disregard by just tearing apart the question paper in pieces(which i rarely do). Maybe in a hope to see more relevant learning in future. Tomorrow is the paper of leadership and organization. I know the story is gonna repeat itself. I am also not a bit interested in learning languages that follows. But maybe the last paper of corporate finance is something that keeps me going. Hope of a time when i will come and start studying not due to compulsion but because of genuine interest.

transitions in life

    Today i was searching my laptop for something and i encountered this old post which i never published.. its also a continuation of sentences i wrote over a period of time. i think its high time I close it and start writing a new one.Here it goes->

I am sitting in a class and trying not to get disturbed by a presentation being given by my classmates on Human resource practices.

Its been almost three months since I have been here and I don't know how time has passed. Everything is so different that it takes time to digest that I am here, into a B school, totally engrossed in it. My life revolves around a small building known as NMIMS university.

Wrote a blog post but it got lost before I was able to publish it as I upgraded my windows live writer software. after that didn't got the inclination to write one again. have left all the previous daily chores. no pagalguy, no blogging, no technology know how. what's there now is totally different. sometimes it seems all gas, sometimes something i always wanted to learn.

the best part is that i am again in college. a college people know, a college name that generates respect among people from industry.

 

And i lost it again. its been a month since i wrote the previous paragraph and then comes the exam. got free from them and went to bangalore with hopes to enjoy the break and what happened was totally reverse. got there and my family was ready to make me slog for preparation for my summer placements. bam!! there goes all my plans..

 

Came back and experienced the most busy week of my life till now. was busy in summer placements as student coordinator. was on my feet for whole day running around in formals(with tie). no food, no rest, no comfort for whole day. but the end result was good.

I experienced how does it feels when there are 28 people behind you backing in all your actions blindly. Agreeing to all what you say, and appreciating all your efforts. Unity, its a great feeling. all the discrimination that we face has brought all of us together. we trust each other and stand by each other.

I am happy to have such a great classmates. and now the euphoria has gone down. there are companies coming to campus and 6 people have got placed and i was the first guy to got placed. Got in VSNL. its Mumbai for me again even for summers. i think the more i try to run away from this city, the more she binds me with her. 

am i busy?? i dont think so..

its been 3 weeks since i have come to college but still i havnt posted..i dont know what stopped me from doing so.

 

was it new environment, things to adjust or was it a totally new lifestyle i am still trying to adept to.

 

the course will commence next week so today i have ample time with me. I have got my own laptop and even installed a blogging software so as to avoid complain about availability of net conn.

 

hope to write a big post soon. will keep you updated..:)

Mission MBA taking off!!!

After 4 years of preparations, desperate studies, half hearted measures and loads of form filling, finally I got a result page showing the word "Congratulation!!"

I got selected in NMIMS for their 2 year MBA program. All thanks to my not so good ranking, core MBA seems a bit far and i have taken "Retail Management" as my specialization. Everybody is saying that Retail is "The" field. its where the growth is and retail boom is what going to be next in India.

So after eating and breathing IT for 7 years, i am going for Retail. Marketing field, here i come..:)

I gave my resignation in the office. People were a bit surprised but most of them expressed happiness over my decision. After all, i am not goign to join another IT company, i am going for my higher studies. I really appreciate what this organization has given me in last 30 months. Self-confidence, financial freedom, excellent friends to name a few. Hey, i love my company..:)


After all the joy abated a bit, i realized that completing my MBA will require me to move to Mumbai for 2 years. I will have to leave my laid back lifestyle that i have acquired in last 3 years at Schneider electric. will have to hunt for accommodation in the posh colonies and start studies again; a habit i have left behind years before.

Over all , i am hoping it to be a very good experience. I don't know where will i land after 2 years. but it seems promising and i am going.

Have read somewhere:-

In life don't worry if you don't know,
it's like a dance,you learn as u go.

The wait begin again...

After a long wait finally the results of NMIMS are out. Mine is not upto the expectations but i will term it as not bad.

Thanks to the low rank of 506, i will have to wait till april 4th or more to know my fate. Maybe i will end up taking a MBA- retail management course or who knows .

Since some time back, life seems to be standing still.

Same routine everyday. Nothing great to do at office. Loads of confusion regarding what i really want to do in my life followed by a bit of frustration about why on earth i am not able to pin down it even after been working since last 30 months.:)



Between all these chores, suddenly i realize that this step means i have to go to a totally new city, new lifestyle, new routine, new friends..... aah what did i say? new friends. so the painful experience has already begun.

the process to get separated from friends and start altogether making new ones.

then sometimes bumping into each other and realizing that so many things have changed and also that somethings never change.



That reminds me of a quote from star wars:-



"On many long journeys have I gone. And waited, too, for others to return from journeys of their own. Some return; some are broken; some come back so different only their names remain."



Shall the journey begun....

back from holidays...

I am back after a 10 days break. went home there for holi. basically i havnt gone to my place since 6 months and i thought its high time to go before my parents start forgetting my face..;-)

It feels great to go to a place which you have left 8 years back and whenever you go there you feel that its the same. Nothing has changed. same people, same ambiance, same feeling. At that time you pray to god that this place should not change.

You were a part of it. Then you leave the place and life changes you in and out. and someday you go there again and see that that place and these childhood friends are the only evidence left of the person you were. the person you are still now but sometimes hidden from even yourself.

I enjoyed the feeling of sitting on the roof top looking at the setting sun over the mountains. that was my last day at home.
next day i was in Jaipur. there were the same layouts, same wide roads but something has changed sharply. Now you don't get the feeling of belongingness. Maybe it was due to my only connection with that city. friends and college.

I have passed from the college and my friends have left the city and are now busy in their own life and careers.

while walking on the streets of jaipur on the way to airport, there was only one song in my mind..

bas yaaden yaaden yaaden reh jaati hai..

kuch chhoti chhoti baate reh jaati hai.

dekho yaadon ka mausam chala..

bhoolta hi nahi dil mera..

purani jeans aur guitar...

college ke wo din aur mere yaar...

The lone call - NMIMS interview

Continuing the glorious trend since last four years, i studied a bit, filled loads of forms and eventually screwed up all badly except one.

And now again i was left with a lone call for GD/PI from NMIMS, Mumbai. Has my interview date on 21 feb.

Tool a leave from office and reached there 1 hour early. The previous batch had overshoot the time limit so had approximately 2 hours to kill.
Met some known people and was happy with the prospect of them being in my group.

We were made to sit in a room with fewer number of chairs than the no. of students. Got my docs checked and saw the ppl who will be in my GD group.
We were taken for GD in a room where we were made to sit on two rows of chairs facing each other making sure that nobody is able to see more than half of the faces.
My no. was 1 so had to sit on edge of chair just to make me feel a part of the group.

The topic chosen was -> The ethics and values of Indian society are degrading.

Mods gave 2 mins to prepare but a despo started in 30 seconds. Mods interrupted him and he stopped .determined to start again. After the go ahead, within fraction of seconds he started upon the topic in a totally uninteresting manner determined to hog the maximum airtime and dint stopped despite 2 interventions.
now 2 other guys chip in. they had some kind of pre GD agreement. both spoke one after another and looked at each other.

after some time it became a fish market and ppl were speaking just for the sake of getting airtime.

I intervened and gave a couple of points. Then gave up and spend the rest of time managing the GD and trying to give all the ppl a chance to speak.

Finally the horrific 20 mins got over.

Here comes the interview.

was not in a great mood and was the first one to be interviewed.

Panel: a young prof and a lady prof.

The lady was busy all my interview in reading my application form and my biographical sketch. don't know what was keeping her attention.

prof- Hello Atul, tell me something about yourself.

Me- Started with acads, then work ex then personal..lot of gyan..

prof - you r doing extremely well in your job, why not continue..

me- more gyan...cross functional knowledge, growth blah blah

prof - how do you see yourself 5 years from now?
me- hard crammed answer- bang on

prof- what all books do u read?
me- surely you are joking mr. Feynman

prof- what is it about?

me - a view about world from the eye of a nuclear physicist

prof-ok..and?

me- LOTR

prof- fiction??

me- yes

prof- no expressions. ...ok..what do you want to specialize in??

me- i have kept my options open. will decide later after gaining more knowledge. at present, it may be info. mgt. or IT consultancy.

prof- ok Atul..thanks you

Me- thank you sir..thank you ma'am...(please raise your head and look at me )

both- Thank you.

Left the room..

A 100% out of the book interview. same standard questions. same crammed answers with a tang of confidence. no idea abut what will happen next.will know it on 10 march.

Feeling totally free now and not in a mood to work.

Reason- going home on Monday for a 2 week holiday. will not say well deserved but heck..who cares..:)